07.29.26

i sit down on the couch
in a body that isn't mine,
telling stories from the youth
of a girl i've lost to time.

the voice i hear aloud is not
the voice thats in my mind-
the label on the box
will never match what is inside.

the premise of the room
requires i never dare to hide...
how can i heal the self
when the self is a divide?

---

03.02.26
      
lying still in a hospital bed
silent exchanges of myself and machines
leave the room and the air
empty.

speaking aloud to familiar strangers
detached truth for a moment fills the room
though my mind remains
empty.

surrendering to policed dependence
infantilisation becoming institutionalization
anything less feels
empty.

---

01.21.26

my mind a scorned lover 
that keeps me up at night, tossing
like a deserted gas station hot dog
minus the sweet release of death 
once ive reached my expiration

i find myself caught up
in a self-directed schadenfreude
"a war with myself"
like dumb girls
who think theyre profound

but maybe
they don't need to be articulate
to communicate shallow ideas
and maybe
thats why im left overlooked

because my only vulnerability 
is through 
poetry where i make ill-fitting metaphors
to keep in my notes app
like a dumb girl who thinks she's profound

---

07.26.25

hate is such a strong word, 
fit for only the likes of you- 
o soulless god,
by which i exist as only your creation.
a slave to you, 
my master dear,
and i work work work work work
just to please you.
oh, what i would give 
to deserve an ounce of your praise
to be deemed
lovable.
you put me on this earth
so i could grow my own wings and fly
yet you stripped me of my feathers
until i was barren.
like the soil you cursed to never grow flowers
with such rich gifts
such a beautiful soul
and my gifts to the world ruined
before i ever grew old.
the violent ills that plague my mind
carefully placed by you
with intention.
ive always had plans for life
plans to be good.
better than you ever had been and
yet
you make me wish i could be nothing.
just so i can escape you.
you you you you you.

---

2.27.24

the butterflies in my stomach
tell me they are not hungry
as their tenant i oblige
and keep them running on empty
they flutter and pirouette
like the ballerinas they want to be
scuffing up the floors and walls
of my brain and body
i think i should kick them out
but theyre my only company
they teach me how to live
how to live and have true beauty
its good to be small, they say
good to feel faint and weak
its bad to indulge
because you are what you eat
kilocalories feel like kilograms
adding up inside of me
sometimes i eat tons of bricks
when hunger gets the best of me
the butterflies love to correct
they know the perfect remedy
deprive me of my nutrients
till im living on borrowed energy 
allowing me to grow into
this image of who i want to be
despite the fact that this ideal
turns into my worst enemy
butterflies are beautiful
but these ones are just fleas
infecting me with the black plague
and now my whole life is this disease
and after all of this 
im still begging on my knees
why, butterflies,
can i never feel skinny?